This week our Healthy Living Transformation is brought to us by our fan Courtney!
Thinking about your past tends to spark happy memories filled with your loved ones, fun adventures, lots of laughs and maybe a tear or two. The majority of my past had been spent with too much time loathing both myself and food. Surprisingly, I don’t regret a single part of my past because it helped mold me into the strong, independent and confident young woman I am today.
It all started in my second year of high school. I remember that day clearly. I was sitting in gym class with my best friend, just having your typical girl conversation about shopping, how we want to get our hair cut and losing ten pounds for summer. Hearing my friend say she wanted to lose 10 pounds planted a seed in my mind that would only grow and flourish into my eating disorder. After stepping on a scale for the very first time and seeing my weight I knew I had to work harder than I originally thought. I ran miles after miles, ate little to nothing and started hiding food and my excessive exercise from those around me. In a short amount of time I dropped a considerable amount of weight, enough to land me in the hospital. Once I was free, I managed to lose any weight I put on and faced my first relapse. It was during this time that I reached out to a specialist near me, a published author who had been on talk shows, including Oprah, and had helped countless celebrities with their own eating disorders. With his guidance and my decision to finally let go, I freed myself.
Soon after I began college and stopped seeing my doctor. I lived on campus and loved every minute of it. The downside was with this new school came new people who I started comparing myself to. Before I knew it, I faced a second relapse, and came to terms with the idea that this was my life, the life God had planned for me. I never thought I was going to escape the darkness.
I’m not sure how, but one day something clicked. I talked to myself and thought “whats the difference between 500 calories of ice cream and 500 calories of vegetables. My body will take those 500 calories and use them for energy no matter where they come from.” On that day, I created my own recovery instagram. I came up with my meals, incorporated my fear foods, made the food look pleasing to both the eye and my taste buds, instagrammed the picture and enjoyed my meal. I would work with the same fear food for some time until it was no longer a fear of mine then move on to the next one. The first food I conquered was peanut butter. I used to love it, but my disordered mind told me it was bad. I ate Nuts N More for the amazing flavors and wonderful texture, especially after refrigerating it. I would eat a serving a day, with a spoon on toast, with an apple. And finally my love for peanut butter was stronger than ever.
I am thankful of my past, not regretful, because it taught me a lot about myself. I focus on doing what makes me happy. In order to make it through you must constantly challenge yourself, no matter how much you want to quit and give in, because your future self will thank you more than you know. Do it. You’re worth it.
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